Little Wonders

So, the earth has completed another round around the orbit. Counting towards a new year in a few hours time. I don't know, probably the orbit is getting smaller or the earth decided to spin faster, because, this year felt super fast and time shrank to probably 12 hours a day. oh dear...

sometimes it is tiring and wonder whether what I am doing is good enough. I always have to think whether if I spend time by myself and not thinking about other people and not catching up with people, am I being too selfish?
It has taken a toll on me and this previous week was too much of people around me that I decided to go on an alone trip to the mall. Just being myself there and trying to think things through. People.Me. God. 
There's just too much of thoughts that I need to arrange myself properly before I start another week of the same routine again.
Realizing that it's not easy at all to make sure that everyone is ok and that they are taken care of. some just felt like breaking down, some people are always saying they are ok, and some are always happy. And me, I try to be there for each one but I felt so unequipped and lacked that I felt like I didn't give my all. I felt so helpless. I want to be there, and I want to let them know that I care. but I didn't.

But, well, I know that I have Him, and I know I can be rest assured in Him.

Looking forward for home. I need it.

sometimes I wonder how people can be so real and true to strangers, their friends about there deepest and darkest secrets. I,myself is not someone like that who is able to totally share out my feelings. I wonder if I am normal or not. I remember once when I cried to God to help me to be normal like others. It's not that I'm really that abnormal or what, but just trying to find a secure place to rant out and be who I am without actually hiding my fears, failures, happiness and joy.

it's hard.

but somehow, God is so real and true that He has always been my secret keeper and my hiding place. When times of loneliness, it is Him whom I find my refuge and totally be naked in front of Him. He is my bestest of friends. Even my closest friends, my family don't know the struggles I had inside me because I just don't know how to share it out. my insecurities, and thoughts, doubts. He never actually replied me in audible voice to calm the raging storms inside me but I know that He is there, in the storm with me. When I go for a walk alone, I know that He is there, walking beside me. I know that there's some people whom their fear is being lonely. I wonder why. I, in particularly, enjoyed my lonely walks. Just because I can just have my small talks with Jesus. I won't talk it loud to Him,though, but just thinking out loud. He hears my thoughts. =) And coming out of it, I am refreshed and felt His peace in me. Christ is enough for me.

Just lately, there's are lot of thoughts in my mind about God. and well, there's so much truth and reality in Him. sometimes things that I can't answer, I didn't really think much, but just having faith in Him because whose mind can fathom how great is this God?

=)
just afternoon small thoughts.

Realized that my laptop has been kinda slow these days. Don't know why, probably too much stuff inside. Well, I just found out that my this faithful lappie has been serving me for more than 5 years. And ohhh...I am still loving it.. I found out that when other people uses my laptop, she will suddenly lagged or something wrong will go wrong with it but she always serves me happily. lol.
Ah well, nothing can replace you. You are my first and hopefully, I will never have to replace you because how much you have gone through with me. STPM, my first years in uni and hopefully able to graduate with you too.
So, don't buat hal and be nice to me ok ?
=)

Thanks lappie! your master loves you much.
#there's an expiry to everything but there's no expiry date in God

I am just God's vessel. My job is not to change people or to convert people . My job is not to force them to say the sinners prayer and be done with it. My job is to show them that there is a God who loves them as much as He loves me. My job is to tell them that they are not alone, and that there's is someone out there who is far far greater than the problems they are facing right now,and who is always with them.

God is looking for imperfect man and woman who have learned to walk in moment-by-moment dependence on the Holy Spirit- Christians who have come to terms with their inadequacies, fears and failures. Believers who have become discontent with 'surviving' and have taken the time to investigate everything God has to offer in this life. - Charles Stanley 

I have to constantly remind myself that time is too short and if I don't do something with it now, I will lose it forever.

So, I decided that I shall start picking up my lazy butt and go out and be a blessing to others. I decided that my 4 years in uni shall not be wasted and I want to start now. Do something productive, read something, care for others and love unconditionally.

Sometimes I felt that it is hard for me to love others like how I love myself. But God says, love your neighbour as yourself. hm..how ?
By spending quality time with them..

honestly, I have a hard time with that, because my love language is not really time. I can be a bit rushy and as long as I know how you are, then I am fine. But I learn from others and see how much they invested time in me, and truly, that is what impacted me the most.

I suddenly was reminded of how last time when I was younger, I thought that I never sinned at all throughout the day because true, I kinda good kid. I am really scared to break the rules la.  So when I was doing my bedtime prayer, I used to struggle asking God for forgiveness for my sins because most of the time, I forgot what I have done wrong on that day.

What an prideful kid I am!

Sin is anything that does not please God. So, I really need to repent from my pride and my silly thoughts that I am that 'holy' when I was a kid. lol. #smackhead#

But well, it is a different story now. As I mature, I need to learn that I can't take God's grace for granted. He love me so much, but I still keep on sinning and sinning. Some might be unconcious sins but still, I need to come before Him, clean. The part of taking God's grace lightly is what I think is the most 'sinful' thing to do (though to Him, there's no level of sin) because since we know all the more we need to guard our speech, action and etc, and live a life that pleases Him.

So, let's live for Him! =)

I know that I keep disappointing you and I can't keep up to your expectations. It is not easy and I felt that it is so unfair to you.
I keep flashing back the times, the moments of happiness where we keep laughing, and just enjoy each other's presence. it might not be the same today and I don't know what is for us in the future.
but well, I know one thing, is that I never regret before.

<3

It's been 3 long days of going to convo to congratulate and celebrate the graduation of my PKA seniors. I felt tired and yes, it is not easy to go for every session and throw people up in the air. It requires a lot of patience and determination. Well, I did learn some things being among my close family in uni. I learn how important one's presence is. Some of them are willing to take a long walk of about 20 minutes under the hot sun just to be there for the graduates. Some of them reached, all sweat and tired,and still, have to wait for the graduates to come out. I was wondering, why do they so willing to do such a thing ?

Seeing these seniors that have graduated, I can see how much they have used their uni life not just to study and graduate but they really used their time to impact other lives. They have indeed taught me how selfless they are, wearing Christ's love everywhere they go. They sow seeds of love, kindness, gratitude, patience, selflessness, positivity and so much more into the lives of their juniors. And today is their result of their sowing. They have inspired many with their lives to live a fulfilled life and to use our lives well for God. I can't help but see that the unity in hearts among us is priceless and so, it's sad to see them leaving uni. I know that God is faithful and things might not be the same anymore but God is constant in change.

Well, I don't want to emo about it, and I know that God has great plans for them and I am sure that they will come back and testify of His goodness..

yay!

It is just so ironic how people keep asking me how I managed to keep a long distance relationship. no. sometimes i fail. And it can be tiring sometimes to try harder and harder. 

Just back from PKA's Leaders Retreat today.

It was a short retreat for leaders to gather and share the vision for the year. It was exciting, as we experienced God's faithfulness and really seeing how amazing he work through the challenges we faced on that day. I can never tell of how real my God is and He is my Heavenly Father. 

Ok, I don't want to sound so holy or anything, but I can't help to say that, what an honor to be called His child? Can you imagine the truth that you are actually higher than any other things just because I have a big big big Daddy?

Well, I never realized or really have the 'enlightened' moment of this truth till today. ( imagine a lighted bulb) =D

Our vision for the year is ' Christ Identity, Christ's Ambassador'.

This theme was placed in our hearts, knowing that we,as human, we never really realize who we actually are or what is the purpose of our existence on earth for. We always looked in others/things to help us find what defines us. And it's sad. Because we are blinded from claiming our privileges as children of God which He has given to us through his promises.

Anyway, it is a good time for us to ask ourselves "who am I? " and realize it ourselves instead of hearing it from others.

Of all things that I've learnt and experienced throughout the retreat, here's something that I felt that I should share :

Take a color pencil. Look at it. What do you see?

• Everything you do will always leave a mark 
• You can always correct the mistakes you make 
• What's more important is what's inside of you
• In life, you will undergo painful sharpening which will make you a better pencil
• For you to be the best pencil, you must allow yourself to be held and guided by the hands that holds you. 

I've learn to be a pencil. I want to colour people's life and leave a mark there. I want to learn from my mistakes and do better in everything that I do.
Well,I've learn that life is short.Knowing our identity ( even is you are a pencil) will help us achieve even greater things in life. We do not have to lament and live a life of unfulfilled dreams. But right now, there's so much out there for us to do for Him because He has promised us that 'he will be with us everywhere we go till the very ends of the earth'.

And He always remembers and keeps His promises.

=)

blogging from my workplace! woots!

It has been 3 weeks into internship. I can say that so far, it has been good. Thank God!

You know,wherever  God has placed me, I am just so thankful and I know that He has placed me here for a reason. some how or the other, everything just works out well. I am thankful for a good boss, who actually concerned about me, colleagues who are quite friendly though they are from different race.I am the only Chinese here by the way. The thorn among the roses ,I guess. hehe. But oh ya! I am glad to know that there's quite a number of my colleagues here who shares the same faith as I am. How awesome is that? wee~ I was talking to the mak cik cleaner that day. She asked me my name and I told her. She asked "Kamu doa Yesus ah ? " I replied ' Yes". And she was so happy to reply me, "Saya jugak doa Yesus!" And from there, we shared about our backgrounds in Christianity. Isn't it awesome when we found another brother/sister in Christ? It's good!

Anyway , the corporate culture here is kinda cool and not really that stressful, a working environment which I like. We do a quick morning exercise everyday to have fresh and energetic start to the day. Then there's some motivational sessions sometimes. In the noon, we have afternoon energizers where we will play a short and light game to kinda like energize ourselves for the remaining hours.

So, right..that's all about my work. It was tough in the 1st week, having to adapt to the new environment and trying to make friends from different age. It's not easy to break the ice. But well, meeting strangers and learning about one another takes time and yup, it's getting better.

Meanwhile, oh yea, lately, I've got to know about this girl named Talia Castellano who have died of cancer about 1 week back. Her story has really inspired me of how a girl,13 years old, could touch so many lives with her strength, perseverence, determination and most of all her joy and love even though she is going through tremendous pain. She is just a cutie pie in a tiny body. I just can't imagine how she go through all those treatments and still, able to look healthy in her Youtube videos. She is a beauty guru by the way. And you know, I actually teared when I see one of her Cancer Vlog! ( i don't cry easily) So, I just couldn't comprehend sometimes why God will want to take away this beautiful child. And one thing that saddens me most is that, I am not sure whether she has accepted Jesus personally or not. Her mum asked a psychic healer to help her...and it breaks my heart.

I realized that the world now have heard about Jesus, but sadly, their hearts have hardened to the good news and well, human are becoming more prideful and couldn't accept the fact that we need a Savior. Human race don't know the consequences of this life on earth, that without Christ, we all are doomed to Hell - for eternity.
=(

alright. back to work. Have a nice day! =)

[ I looked out the window today and saw people loading up their cars with their luggage and belongings.
oh, so emo.
and here I am, still have to wait for my turn. 4 more days. and it is finish! =) ]

But oh, I went for a prayer walk today with my life group and we decided to walk around my hostel area, RST.

The sky was colourful, though there are reported haze going on now, but yes, it was indeed a beautiful evening. The clouds were puffy and the moon is beginning to come out. We walked and walked up the hill, under our breathe, we said our prayers.
Along the way,we stopped to pray for one of the examination halls. I looked to the sky and saw 2 birds flying so happily. I felt God asking me to pray for freedom in this campus. And I prayed. I realized that there's a different kind of atmosphere here in uni these few days. People chained to their negativity, bounded by burdens from the world today. I realized how much we,as human need to learn, that sometimes we need to be like those birds. And remember how God feeds them and even how He clothes the lilies of the field. We don't have to worry much, but totally dependent on Him alone.

We continued our walk to our next stop. We stopped at the girl's block. Immediately, a thought ran through my mind. I realized how human can be hidden behind these walls. These buildings that I see in front of me looks fine. The fans are spinning and everyone is busy with their own routine. But, if I take a look deeper, I saw people who are depressed, stressed out, lack of love and attention, people crying out for help, lonely, lost, and etc. I prayed for protection and healing over these people. The walls need to be broken down and I pray that these individuals who are searching for an answer to their hurts and disappointments might find the answer in God.

We ended our prayer walk and gave a short sharing of what we have received and what God has impressed in our hearts. Thinking back, I realized how little I prayed for USM, the land God has placed me in. I never really thought that I need to pray for this place and there's not really a big burden for me to pray. Today, my eyes are opened to the needs of the people here. A need for a Saviour. hmm. One of the things that my friend shared was that the atmosphere in USM will be set by the christians here. It's either we do something to bring Christ's love or let the enemy bring in his troops.

Today, I learned so much from just a simple walk in the evening. I pray that I will have a deeper burden for his people my mission field, USM. =) hope you do too.

There's a one week gap in between my paper to the next and being hibernating in the room for so long, I spend quite a lot of time browsing through facebook, spying ; looking through my tumblr and posting lots and lots of pictures and reading blogs.
And so,I realized how unfruitful I am and how uninspired I became these few days. I began to compare my life with my friends out there who have gone over the seas, travelling and posting about their awesome friendship,food,clothing etc etc.I became very emotional and asked God, is this it? My life, looking at the same old view from my window, same friends, same attitude, same old me?

For God has a plan for me, plan to prosper me and plans not to harm me. 

I guess that probably, everyone has a story and everyone's story is different. I need not to compare but to look at their story and be inspired. One day, I might achieve what I wanted in life also and one day, I shall do what I like to do. Probably, now is not the time yet and yes, there's a season for everything.

I need to constantly put my eyes on Jesus and remind myself that I am here, not for myself but for Him. But well, it's hard. and my butt is getting bigger just sitting here 24 hours. >< I want to do something crazy after this finals!! =) wee!!

If He has a plan, He know when to fulfill that plan, at the right timing. You just need to be patient and not fret and complain. Be thankful!

Hi, there.
Another once in a blue moon post.
How has it been?

Having finals now,and not a single mood for me to look into the books. So much in my mind that I could not concentrate to do well for my revision. I have my next paper on Wednesday. not this but Next Wednesday.
I couldn't stand my butt paining on the chair. I decided to go for a jog/exercise.

There's a reason for it. So much in my mind these pass few days. Friends, God, relationship, family, people, studies. And somehow, I felt so overwhelmed by it. This semester has been kind to me actually. I didn't do much and I felt dissappointed in myself for failing to achieve what I have intended to do. I see that I tend to go back to my old ways once again. Back to the lazy, procrastinator, phlegmatic kind of Alison. I thought I have changed, I thought I have thrown away those bad habits that I hated in me. But I went back to the comfort zone and hid myself in it. After hibernating in it for so long, it became kinda stinky. Yup, stinky. And I think it is eating me daily one by one.

Comparing to last semester, though I was busy with so many stuff, I still could manage with still some energy left and go out and enjoy. However, this semester, I couldn't even concentrate well among my friends, studies, and God. God. I felt like I am the Samaritan women. Who has been drinking water from the well. except that she knows that Jesus came to offer her the living water. But me, I know that I have the living water in me, but I didn't drink it. And therefore, I keep coming back thirsty again and again. I couldn't find joy or fulfillment that I wanted in the things that I do.

Realizing that, I actually know the root of the problem.
Oh ya, I've told you that I went for the jog. I climbed up the hills and by the end of it, I was exhausted. It wasn't even a 15 minute walk but I was already exhausted. But well, it was worth it. The cool wind blowing on my face, it gave me peace and somehow, I felt a little of my burden came out. I looked in to the sky, the birds were flying happily and I was remembered of the song "Still".

Hide me now,under your wings

          Find rest my soul, within your mighty hands

And realized that, I've not been finding rest in Him. This semester, I have been depending a lot on myself. I don't know why but it's only in times of need and problem that I went to Him. This is something that I couldn't learn. Even till now.

I think I am a selfish person. I will love others, if they love me back. And I like to receive only. Not the other way round. So, the problem is that I don't know how to show genuine love to others but just receiving genuine love from others. This isn't what God wants. God give Himself freely, and I took it for granted. This is a sin that sometimes, I just couldn't bare seeing myself. Dirty and unworthy of His grace and love.

But my God, He love unceasingly and even more abundantly. I know that I am forgiven daily because of the cross that bears my sins. And Jesus has done all the work there, on that tree. Therefore, it's time for me to come back to Him, daily, at the foot of the cross and knowing that I no longer need to hide but come before God,naked with all my dirtiness, and knowing that He is willing to wash me over and over again. No matter what.

I need to stop being selfish and come out from my comfort zone. Start loving others with a genuine love. Start sharing Christ's love to my friends around me. Start investing good quality time with them. Be myself and bring Christ along with me. Some might think that it is easy, but not for me. It has become one of my fears, to have a chat with someone, even if she/he is my friend. I guess it's my personality but I don't want that to be my excuse. I need to learn and change.

Well, I will stop here. God is good ,all the time. It's time to let the reality of His love really sink deep in me. I pray for an experience with Him daily. so that I can taste His goodness. But, I think He has been doing all that, all these while. oh well, Alison, open your eyes to see the goodness around you.

=) 1.51am

It's been a long long time since I updated my life story here. Yup, every year, I only post once to update. And time and time again, I will say this...TIMES PASSED SO FAST!
it's year 2013. February and coming to the end of it. ( what on earth just happened? )

AM I in a time machine ??

Anyway, let me stop these nonsense. It's 12.41 am. Typing in the dark while my room mate is sleeping soundly. I have a 8am class tomorrow but well, the night is at peace with the sound of the fan spinning and the cars speeding through the highway. It's a cool night.

And so, there comes the motivation for me to write. As always. I don't have the habit to write stuff. Only when I feel like it. ( I am such a terrible blogger,man)

Last semester was one of the semester that I experienced so many ups and downs. The busyness sometimes creeps into my soul that I felt so overwhelmed by it. Trying to keep up with my academics and trying to play my role as an EXCO in CF is really really hard. And there were times when I felt like I want to give up. I slept so late every night trying to finish up my assignments and there were events needed to be planned out for PKA. I am physically,emotionally and mentally drained out. At one point, I broke down and cried out to God...Lord, please take this away." (wow..I sounded like I am going to the cross )

Well, practically every morning, before I go to class, I whispered a prayer under my breathe. And indeed, the Lord is my strength for me to continue through the day. Miraculously, I made it through the long lectures. It is quite torturing sometimes when my eyes and mind were tired but I am sure it's God's joy that grant me strength to keep pushing. I had peace in my mind and I am refreshed again and again. I try to balance my academic duties and make sure I had time to do my plannings for Christmas. It is a hard time trying to  meet people between classes and even after classes, I have to meet them for lunch or dinner. that's why....physically I am drained. But still, at the end of the day, I felt at peace and knowing that a newer day is coming tomorrow.

I took up the challenge to lead this year's Christmas celebration. (What?! What did I get myself into? ) And so, the faith-into-action journey starts. This is my first time too, leading an event from scratch. I still remember my first time meeting my committees and coming out with a good theme. It was a scary experience. Trying to work with new people and not knowing how well we will work together is another thing. and what more, making the event to COME TRUE is also mind-boggling. I know that me,Alison can't do it on my own. I am an introvert naturally and leading is not my forte. But as time passes by, God began to speak to me His promises and I learn to surrender my 5 loaves and 2 fishes. I can plan but God is the one who make it work. And indeed, my journey with my committees in planning the Christmas was challenging but at the same time, we had fun. What more we can do? We are just His vessels. As December comes closer, I began to melt in myself. Secretly, I don't know whether I can trust God to do it or not. I don't want it to just be an event and let it be forgotten but I want to make it an impact in my uni. After all the meetings and plannings for the program flow, it happened. And 2 weeks before the event, the event was spammed on the walls of USM students to invite them to come for it. A DONUT CHRISTMAS. What to do? Just do it lah!

Lo and behold, in that week of the event, my lecturer decided to have our mid-sem test. Not one subject, but two. I am thinking," God, why?? "One on the day before Donut Christmas and another on that day itself. And my test is from 5-7pm when my event starts at 7pm. like what?  How to go from one place to another? That time, I really wished I could just sink in the ground. And having to do my last minute plannings and rehearsals gives me no time to really study. I end up studying at 3am just to read through my notes. It was a night I can't forget. My heart and mind keep telling me that I can't do it and I will surely fail my test. And so, I cried. I prayed in my tears and I can just surrender it to God. I close the book and go to bed.

I managed to sit for my test. And rushed back for the Christmas event,in time to make sure everything is in order before the whole thing starts. The speaker arrived and one by one time passes by. Hearing the claps and the seeing the smiles on the faces of the audiences who came. The ice breaker, the dance ,the drama about having a life fulfilled is with Jesus filling our holes. In the end, Christmas carols filled the atmosphere and people wishing one another Merry Christmas with so much joy in their hearts.It was such a great relieve and wow..that burden just flew away from my shoulder. and even more greater joy is that people responded to the call. =) That makes my day even more meaningful.

Well,one part has finished. The awaiting time to get my results for mid test. I thought I failed because my friends answered different points than what I wrote. Miraculously,I managed to get A- and got the highest in my class. like seriously God?? and there, I see God's faithfulness in fulfilling His promises to me. When I seek first His Kingdom and righteousness He will add all things that I asked for.

Eventually, semester 1 year 2 ended with finals. It was indeed a semester of seeing God's hand at work in my life. I can't ask for more. God has given me even more than I asked. I experienced how real is HE when I abide in Him and learn to trust Him. I keep telling myself : God is like ....GOD. don't underestimate what He can do. Nothing is too impossible for Him.

And in the end, He still chose to bless me with unexpected results for my finals. A challenge that God had accepted. hehe. I managed to get into the Dean's list. Not me, but Him who put me there. Seriously, I still don't know how it happened after all the breaking downs in the middle of the nights and the amount of time studying that I put into it. No, I did nothing.

He did that for me.

I just want to glorify Him in all things. Not me but Him. My Father who arts in Heaven. =)
adios.