Little Wonders

God reminded me through a conversation with a good friend this week. I was just telling her some of my challenges at work, and discussing how it is becoming hard for me to portray myself as a disciple of Christ there. hmm. Last time, I've always wondered why is it so hard for Christians to be a disciples of Christ at work. Aren't you proud of being a follower of Jesus? Well, I can laugh at myself now as I now understood the challenge and it is indeed not easy at all. Well, I am not saying that I am not proud of whom I place my trust and faith in. It's the matter of living them out at your workplace. 

Today mum kinda gave me a long lecture about going overseas to work and earn a better living with the hope that my future will be more secure. She elaborated further that it's getting more hopeless living in this country, looking at the economic situation here which is not getting better. 'We earn RM3k, we spend RM3k'. I was just sitting on the sofa while my eyes we fixed on my phone but I was listening, and somehow did consider that I should actually try my luck in getting a job somewhere else.
Surely, living abroad looks nice. I can already imagine the lifestyle that I am living, the things that I can buy, this and that. I can stay there for 5 years and come back, buy a house and it will be a good retirement present for my parents. It all seemed so good. Somehow that particular thought stayed long with me, and slowly, worries, insecurities and more worries about my future and my family's future crept in. I started thinking about so many things that I could't afford and it began to overwhelm me.
I took a step back and I realized that all these things that I am chasing after is beginning to swallow me into a deep pit until I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even with this life that I have, I worried too much on selfish things, earthly things - cars, houses, phones, accessories, etc. Are they all necessary? Do they bring importance to you other than worries? No doubt, that without money, you can't get a roof over your head and I will probably eat dirt to fill my stomach. But once these things bring you away from what God has provided for you and intend to give you, it is no good.

'Modern day society teaches us to be materialistic, so our focus is on monuments and structures. Even the name card we hand out every day is a material possession that focuses on our position more than our character. And because that is the focus, we spend a lot of time chasing things to up lift that position in the hope that, at the end of the day, that is the true definition of who we are.' 
- Soo Ewe Jin

Focus in things that lasts, and that will give us eternal love, joy and peace.

I realized that my blog is somehow like a traffic light for me. I found out that every time I decided to write something, I will start off with something like how fast time flies. but well, It is, indeed.

Today marks the 6th month since I have started working in Brunsfield. I couldn't say that every day was the best day of my life, or waking up to 'wow, I feel excited to go to work today!'. nah. All those 'my dream job' kinda thing isn't there. There's like a constant thought in my mind 'how long shall I stay here?' and 'do I really fit here?' and 'what on earth am I doing?' and 'argh...so boring. I wished I could do something else'. and the list goes on and on. Times and times, my mind is filled with lots of negativity. so not me.

However, mental battles aside, it was indeed 6 months of learning about myself. I found out that I am not really the person I thought I am all these while. I saw some issues that I need to fix within me. I saw pride and selfishness, I saw greed and lack of security within myself. I thought doing research and writing reports were a bliss, something that I could just whip out in a day or two. But oh, how wrong am I. I still struggle, even after 6 months, to complete something that I would say I am super proud of. Well, all these are my honest struggles. Found out that day (while I was doing a personality test) that I am very much a right brainer - a person who lean more towards emotion, arts, abstracts, images, colours etc. but my job requires me to do alot of left brain stuff which I need to do alot of analysis, details (oh, so bad at this) and facts. Obviously, these are out of my comfort zone and I dread coming to work with facts that I need to know and details I shouldn't miss out. hm. but as I reflect about this, isn't this the things that I need to deal with? Challenges makes us grow. And I believe, I saw the importance of seeing this in another perspective and it's alright to 'hate' your job because it pushes me to be better.

Aside from all that, God has been good. Just yesterday, I said bid my colleague who has been my good companion in my office farewell. I couldn't have imagined that God has provided a friend that I could laugh my heads off in office and share thoughts about life. She is a muslim by the way and well, we shared our perspectives in religion and I got to know more about Islam and she get to know more about Christ. Just sharing, has brought lots of meaning to my work. and that is more important that anything. To bring Christ to work too. =)

Life is not a bed of roses and yes, there is a dream job out there for me. But while I am here, I want to grow and learn as much as I can. I read an article that there's no best dream job. It's all about the attitude and how much we are willing to go get them. I believe that every step that we take is not wasted because there are still treasures in them. Soon, I believe that I will get closer to what I want in life, and what God wants in me.

Ending this post with my an excerpt of my current favourite song, a song that have accompanied me at work. :)

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy redeeming love