Hi, there.
Another once in a blue moon post.
How has it been?

Having finals now,and not a single mood for me to look into the books. So much in my mind that I could not concentrate to do well for my revision. I have my next paper on Wednesday. not this but Next Wednesday.
I couldn't stand my butt paining on the chair. I decided to go for a jog/exercise.

There's a reason for it. So much in my mind these pass few days. Friends, God, relationship, family, people, studies. And somehow, I felt so overwhelmed by it. This semester has been kind to me actually. I didn't do much and I felt dissappointed in myself for failing to achieve what I have intended to do. I see that I tend to go back to my old ways once again. Back to the lazy, procrastinator, phlegmatic kind of Alison. I thought I have changed, I thought I have thrown away those bad habits that I hated in me. But I went back to the comfort zone and hid myself in it. After hibernating in it for so long, it became kinda stinky. Yup, stinky. And I think it is eating me daily one by one.

Comparing to last semester, though I was busy with so many stuff, I still could manage with still some energy left and go out and enjoy. However, this semester, I couldn't even concentrate well among my friends, studies, and God. God. I felt like I am the Samaritan women. Who has been drinking water from the well. except that she knows that Jesus came to offer her the living water. But me, I know that I have the living water in me, but I didn't drink it. And therefore, I keep coming back thirsty again and again. I couldn't find joy or fulfillment that I wanted in the things that I do.

Realizing that, I actually know the root of the problem.
Oh ya, I've told you that I went for the jog. I climbed up the hills and by the end of it, I was exhausted. It wasn't even a 15 minute walk but I was already exhausted. But well, it was worth it. The cool wind blowing on my face, it gave me peace and somehow, I felt a little of my burden came out. I looked in to the sky, the birds were flying happily and I was remembered of the song "Still".

Hide me now,under your wings

          Find rest my soul, within your mighty hands

And realized that, I've not been finding rest in Him. This semester, I have been depending a lot on myself. I don't know why but it's only in times of need and problem that I went to Him. This is something that I couldn't learn. Even till now.

I think I am a selfish person. I will love others, if they love me back. And I like to receive only. Not the other way round. So, the problem is that I don't know how to show genuine love to others but just receiving genuine love from others. This isn't what God wants. God give Himself freely, and I took it for granted. This is a sin that sometimes, I just couldn't bare seeing myself. Dirty and unworthy of His grace and love.

But my God, He love unceasingly and even more abundantly. I know that I am forgiven daily because of the cross that bears my sins. And Jesus has done all the work there, on that tree. Therefore, it's time for me to come back to Him, daily, at the foot of the cross and knowing that I no longer need to hide but come before God,naked with all my dirtiness, and knowing that He is willing to wash me over and over again. No matter what.

I need to stop being selfish and come out from my comfort zone. Start loving others with a genuine love. Start sharing Christ's love to my friends around me. Start investing good quality time with them. Be myself and bring Christ along with me. Some might think that it is easy, but not for me. It has become one of my fears, to have a chat with someone, even if she/he is my friend. I guess it's my personality but I don't want that to be my excuse. I need to learn and change.

Well, I will stop here. God is good ,all the time. It's time to let the reality of His love really sink deep in me. I pray for an experience with Him daily. so that I can taste His goodness. But, I think He has been doing all that, all these while. oh well, Alison, open your eyes to see the goodness around you.

=) 1.51am