Little Wonders

I think the scariest place to be is when you suddenly felt that your spirit wasn't sensitive to God. It felt like the whole big question of "where am I and why am I here.?"

Sometimes as life seems so happy, you tend to forget that "hey, God still wants your attention"
and you need to go back to the place where you could sit at His feet and listen to Him.

I'm struggling to love. To love the people who needs Jesus.

Was at the Pasar Borong near my house yesterday to do some errands. The whole place was really filthy, smelly and filled with rotten rubbish along the pathways. I seriously felt I was whisked away to some foreign land. I couldn't stand the filth. And I felt insecure being there. and it's because there's so many foreigners . Ahh..I just looked at them, and sometimes, my eyes couldn't look at them cause I was scared they would harm me. I held my bag tightly and I walked faster.
But deep inside me, I wonder why was I like this? Why was I seeing them with so much discrimination and prejudice? What would Jesus do and what have God told me? I struggled a lot when I was walking. I try to smile to them but I can't. So many questions and thoughts as I looked at the things they were selling. I struggled to understand their culture, the food that was sold at the pathways, ... I couldn't.
And God was telling me that these people needs Jesus. Their eyes are empty and lost in a foreign land. Didn't God asked to love and care for the aliens? Am I living what God has commanded me to do?

I still couldn't handle that. I am still struggling to love.

the end of another year.

and I could say, what a year!

unlocked new achievements, slacked in some ways, stronger in different sides, different in many views.

I could say that this was not an easy year for me, I guessed I am not alone, with other Malaysians as well. Many bits and parts of me bleed with the events that my country faced. And since then, there are many of questions, doubts and disappointments that I have to deal with my God. There's this few months of wondering why, but slowly, He reveals His answers to me, and I have learned to stand stronger in my faith towards Him. A lot of times, I just couldn't understand the things that has happened, but I asked my self, is it important for you to understand and then get angry with God? Why blame Him and not me? Conclusion is that, God's love for me and everyone is so great that He should be the one feeling the greatest disappointments. How dare I feel disappointed to the one who have given all His love towards me?

At the same time, I felt a little bit more pressure to do the things that I should do - the things that God has given the burden in me. So many things to do, but often my greatest enemy is myself.- procrastination. This is one big part of me that I am still lacking . Sometimes I hated this part of me, and brought so many hatred inside of me. hmm. but I often tell myself that God is not finished yet with me. I hope that this process of acknowledging my weaknesses will push me towards a better Alison. hopefully.

Another lesson that I have learn this year is about love. Giving without expecting anything in return. Honestly, I am still so vulnerable in this area. Often times, I realized  that I serve, expecting to be served back, I give, expecting to get back something in return, I encourage, expecting myself to be encouraged as well. No!! it's not like this and I have learned that God has given his unconditional love to us without giving us any rules and conditions. I don't have to do this and that to earn His approvals but just to love Him back. Isn't that the love that God taught us ? Therefore, I have learned to give and expect little. Hence, more genuine love can come out from me and make the world a better place to live. =)

Well, I still saw how God has brought me through, one little step at a time. The countless blessings that He has showered on me, the people that I have met and grown closer to, the lessons that He guided me, It has been a year of little breakthroughs.To look back, I have started to serve God in the worship team in Hope, went to Indonesia and worked in Singapore, spend more time sharing with friends, lending a shoulder to lean on. I don't have to do great and mighty stuff, but I need to be more faithful in the small stuff first.

To conclude the year, I thank you to God, my unwavering faithful Teacher, the God who brought disappointments into Hope and God of amazing grace. 

THE ROSE


It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design,
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.
-
The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I,
The flower God opens so sweetly,
In my hands would fade and die.
-
I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?
-
So I'll trust Him for His leading
Each moment of every day
And I'll look to Him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.
-
For the pathway that lies before me
My heavenly Father knows
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments
Just as He unfolds the rose.

~By Author Unknown~

till now,
hello 2015

you know as you grow older, you are expected to know alot of things ..
this is cause when I was little, i used to see how mummy do errands for the family, like paying bills, banking stuff and all.. and I still remember thinking "oh no, how will I know what to do when I grow big? "

now as I am already considered big, I still don't know a lot of things. Part of me wonder how come I don't know, and what is wrong with me? Am I that lack of knowledge ? there's this inside me that say, alie, it's time to know. no time to don't know.

but well, i do learn how to help mum to pay the bills. and often do silly mistakes.

still not smart enough.

ngeh.

you know, God do hear your little prayers ! wee~ so happy when it happens. sometimes small things like that strengthens our already tiny faith-like-mustard-seed faith.

Was going to a Kompleks Penyayang that day to get my Rainbow Run t-shirt by bus. And so, since I have never been there, and I was kinda worried that I will get lost, so I said a little prayer beneath my breath. I told the Pak Cik Driver my destination. He was a little unsure..but later on, not long after, he told me that he will put me along the street because the bus stop is kinda far and he didn't want me to walk and got lost. He put me just opposite the location! I just need to cross the street. Ahhh..do you know how I felt inside? It's like ...what kind soul does that? =) Small things like that, pak cik driver, makes a soul like me feels happier. hehe.

Then I went to Gurney Plaza after taking my t-shirt. After spending a few hours at the complex, I decided that it's time to go back. I prayed a little prayer again that I will be able to get on the right bus because I never tried taking a bus back from there before. I waited at the bus stop for some time..before Bus 304 came. happy. and boarded the bus. This time is a Mak Cik Bus Driver. Told her where I wanna go, and apparently, she was on her last shift and if I didn't board that bus, I will have to wait for a long long time for the next 304. So, we bridged a friendship and we talked and talked on the bus. I was the only customer on the bus and so, it was a good time just knowing her job. As she stops and get more passengers, I still continue talking to her...and she telling me stories about the different passengers she takes. She taught me something through her life. She really give her heart out and bring joy to the people around her with her job. I think that is what so important..she knows the significance of her job in helping the people, poor especially.

And so, when my stop came, I thanked her and told her "Selamat Jalan, berhati-hati." =) and felt like God has brought 2 lovely souls to me that day. Isn't God so beautiful?

#sorry for my bad grammar. It's late and I don't feel like editing.

the first time in my life that a stranger came and say that to me.i call it verbal assault. and I never felt so vulnerable as a women walking along the street before.